Thank God for the Boston Globe. If it weren't for the newspaper, I, a native-born new Englander, would have no idea how to walk around in the winter.
Remember, kids: Ice can be what physicists call "slippery." When you encounter this slippery surface, you can't run over like you're trying to steal second base! Silly person! Why would you try to do that?
Instead, you must befriend a three-foot tall penguin. He will guide you through the treacherous passes of black ice like a Sherpa guide leading climbers up Everest. It's all depicted in this Globe graphic, which was helpfully added to the incredibly important Page 1 news story:
I suspect you could find a web-footed Tenzing Norgay somewhere in the New England Aquarium but they, you know, frown on people waltzing in and making better offers to their star attractions. Best to do this at night. Leave a salary proposal tucked into the mouth of a Perch and pray to God the penguin reads the note before it gets hungry. Otherwise, stay inside until the ice thaws and the Globe tells you what to do when the big yellow fireball in the sky makes the ice go away.
If only the Aquarium still ran it's penguin-walking bootcamp from back in our youth:
